Skillful Answer to a Disgraceful Questions

Skillful Answers to Disgraceful Questions

We all have disgraceful questions. They’re completely routine to everyone else, but they press on our most tender spots. Not answering feels like an evasion and a lie. Answering bears a truth we fear hurts or disgraces us.

It’s “How are you?” when you’re struggling with a chronic illness your friends and family don’t really understand. “How’s business?” if you’re a solopreneur doing everything you can to find clients and feeling like a failure. “How is X?” when your relationship is crumbling and no one really knows how bad it is behind closed doors.


In my case, an answer in such a situation to the question "How are you??" is: I’m managing life with a brain injury along with recent unpleasantries of autoimmune thyroid illness and adrenal fatigue syndrome.

Many years ago Pema Chodron was giving a public talk. During the question and answer period a young man stood up to ask a question.
I don’t remember the subject, but I do remember it was so outrageously inappropriate an actual gasp rose up from the audience.
Oblivious to our discomfort, the young man continued on for several minutes. When he finally became silent, all eyes turned to Ani Pema Chodron. What could she possibly say in response?
Taking in the question, taking her time, she finally leaned toward the microphone. She looked directly at the young man. Her voice filled with enthusiasm she exclaimed “What an extraordinary question!”
Then she closed her mouth and said nothing. She held the silence for a few moments while it slowly dawned on us she had no plans to say anything further. Then she cheerfully pointed at another raised hand and took the next question.
It was a stunning response. I do not know what the young man took away from that moment, but I know I’m not the only one who received an incredible teaching.
Since then I’ve used variations of that response when it was exactly what was called for. It makes a thundering statement while saying very little, and prevents getting hooked into any ugliness. Used skillfully, it cuts through so cleanly that nothing more needs to be said.
Like anything, it can probably be misused as a tactic when genuine dialog is what’s required. But when you need a skillful answer to a disgraceful question or an inappropriate comment, it works. Even if you’re not Pema Chodron.